I recently saw a post on Facebook titled ‘Advice please – how to be a good MIL’ and it made me smile, but also made me quite sad. Are we so disjointed and disconnected as a society that we can’t recognise what is needed by a new family?
I think that so much emphasis is put on pregnancy and birth and not enough thought is put into the precious weeks following a new arrival.
I think women feel so much pressure to let family and friends meet the new baby, but this comes with an expectation (probably placed on ourselves) ‘to host’. Most of us like having people to visit; enjoy the process of making tea, pouring drinks, arranging snacks and caring for our guests. We whip around the house, make sure the toilet is presentable, cushions are plumped, dishes thrown in the dishwasher. All of these are things that as a new mum are another pressure on top of the looking after a beautiful new being.
One way to avoid this is to write a babymoon plan, a chance to write down what you as a new family would like and what you definitely don’t want. It might feel over-the-top, but at the very least it will ensure that both parents are on the same page, and understand what will benefit everyone.
Here are my recommendations to visitors:
- Call in advance, don’t just pitch up.
- Send text or WhatsApp messages of support but avoid questions. Try ‘Hope you’re feeling well, loved seeing your pictures, you’re doing a great job.’
- Bring food. One for the freezer, one for the fridge and snacks.
- Make tea when you arrive and & a glass of water. Whether breastfeeding or not, keeping hydrated is important and almost always falls off the radar.
- Offer to throw a load in the washing machine (but understand that there may be evidence of lochia/blood and a new mum may find this embarrassing).
- Clear the sides of dishes in the kitchen.
- Gifts for baby are lovely, but consider a small gift for mum (e.g. a hot mug, cosy socks, handcream).
- Listen, carefully and with consideration. Everyone is adjusting to something new and they may want to talk about their experiences.
- Don’t stay too long.
Often guests come to visit and expect to hold a baby, giving mum ‘time off’ This almost always leads to her running about getting a couple of chores done. Maybe ask if she’d like to go for a lie down or a shower.
I think the most important thing to remember is that you’re visiting a new, tired family and your support will be needed long after the precious first weeks. There will be plenty of time for cuddles, nobody outgrows those.
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