I was recently asked to do a talk on what it is to be a mother in 2019. I said yes (because I seem to have an innate inability to say no – more of that another time) but I was slightly daunted by the prospect. If I’m asked what it’s like for me to be a mother that is one thing, but to try to do justice to the women I know and meet women, who are all ‘mothering’ but all so different, that is quite another matter.
I put out a request for stories, feelings and words and I was inundated with messages. My over-riding feeling was being overwhelmed by the number of women who wanted to share their feelings, their frustrations and also their great joys in being a mother. The variety of experience and the depth of feelings was immense, I don’t think we have enough outlets for the pressure-cooker of emotions that we feel. I’ve used some direct quotes from other mums throughout this (they’re in italics).
So many comments resonated deeply with me, such as ‘to be a mother is to be constantly interruptable‘. Before being a mum I was super efficient, quick and productive; now I know I still get a lot done, but I never feel efficient. A task which should take an hour, is invariably spread over several days. It will be completed, while I’m driving, cooking, washing, doing homework, changing beds or working on another project.
It’s like continually peddling a bike… backwards….. you keep pedalling even though you don’t feel like your getting anywhere.
I often worry about being judged for my style of parenting and I agonise over whether I am doing the best for my children. There are so many choices available to us and sometimes the sheer number of options and opportunities available can be too much. I often feel as if I have completely lost myself in trying to be everything to everyone. I don’t blame anyone else for this, it’s a pressure I put on myself daily and I know I’m not the only one.
I’ve written about this before, but it is so true for many parents. Many don’t have family support at hand, whether that’s because of distance, willingness, or an availability of time. For me, having moved several times since my youngest was born, each time finding and building a tribe of support was essential for me. I rely on a network of friends to buoy me up and help out when things go a bit haywire.
Being a mum is about loving someone else completely and unconditionally no matter what they do and that means that everyday can be a rollercoaster of emotions. I love my children fiercely, but I definitely don’t like what they do sometimes. They drive me to distraction and they fill me with utter joy. I lose sleep sometimes worrying about which bits of their childhood they’ll remember, will it be the shouting & frustration from me, or will it be the gentle, reassuring hugs. I wish I could choose what really sinks in but I can only do my best. The truth is, no matter how much of a grouch I’ve been with my kids, I get a clean slate the next day…there are no other humans in the world that would do that!
I adore being a mother and still feel grateful for it, it’s a privilege.
I wanted to end on a favourite poem by Hollie McNish. Listen to it here, please do, it’s beautiful.
What’s my name again?
I lost my name
at toddler group
From Hollie, or Hols or Hobbit or Hollie McNish
I’m now known as ‘so and so’s mum’
And I cannot complain
‘Cos I’m just the same
I put this label on everyone
I met Izzy’s dad for a drink at the park
we bumped into Molly’s gran
and Tiana’s and Mark’s
and it’s only when the stars are out and everything’s dark
and it’s night and she’s finally fallen asleep
that my name label creeps out from under the table
and I am able to remember the person I am
with a hot cup of tea and a book in my hand
and a two hour slot to remember my own plans
before I turn off my light.
Cinderella’s clock strikes at midnight each time
My clock strikes loudly at nine.
Now it’s your time, it chimes,
and my name becomes Hollie once more.
Until she cries out for me
or needs her next wee
or shouts in her dreams
or pleads for a fiftieth cuddle from me
or I sneak into her room just to look at her sleep
and the label shifts quickly to mum again.
To mum again.
From Hollie to Mum
From Hollie to Mum
Like a grandfather clock
or a metronome run
a life-raising swing
between structure and fun
But one word cannot sum up
The things we’ve all done
The way that we love
The stories we tell
As she asks me for stories in queues and on trains
In cars and by lakes as we sit
sipping on days that
we mould for our kids
who don’t give a shit
about the style of our clothes
our grand lack of sleep
or our hairs turning grey
as we worrier warriors structure our days
into play –
building dens from pegged shirts
dirty and snot striped
as sleeves wipe their noses
no bouquets of roses are thrown on our stages
underpaid, overworked
Us feeders
us nappy-change divas
us breeders
us milk-makers
milk strainers
cracked-nipple swell painful
bottle-fed
guilt-ridden
time-giving
minds riddled all day and night with their care
one o’clock in the morning
just to check they are fine
if the covers are on right
if the nappy is too tight
if the bedroom is too light
so that not even in the middle of a mother’s own night
she’s not quite an individual in her own right
But she’s strong
craving her own space
and told that that’s wrong
A sleepless survivor that longs just to lie down
to have a wee on her own
or a bath by herself
who sometimes feels like she’s given herself
for this role
In this land where we are now known as so and so’s dad
and thingamy’s mum
A label that’s filled with more love
than I ever knew
Someone said mum’s are the rock that never crumble.
I don’t think that’s true.
‘Cos I do.
I cry hidden in loos
I scream alone in my car
and when I’m woken once more
and desperate to sleep
I weep watching the stars
and every mum that I know says those moments are never so far.
We are parents but we are people
We are snot-rags and we are dreamers
We are queens and we are cleaners
We are kissed and we are screamed at
We are sleep-deprived gardeners, cut hands hidden in gloves.
We are rocks crumbling sometimes in love that’s so heavy.
We are story-telling experts.
And our stories are many.