The truth is, I didn’t become a doula, I always was one, I just needed a gentle nudge by someone I trusted to recognise it.
We say that it takes a village to raise a child, but after my third child was born, my family and I moved often.
Having initially left Cornwall when my youngest was barely 6 weeks old, we then moved again when she was 6 months old. I was not in the best place mentally, I had three children of 4 years and under and a husband who was very committed to his work. I had no family or friends nearby; certainly not ones who could pop by for a sanity saving cuppa. I was pretty determined to create my own village though and did my best to get out, meet people, chat to literally anyone and everyone and try to ‘find my tribe’.
I was welcomed at a local baby & toddler group and made friends, slipping eventually from mundane but necessary small talk, into more relaxed conversation and lunches afterwards. Meet-ups started happening between baby groups and I forged new, valued friendships.
Having three young children and probably looking to the outside world like I ‘had it together’, I found myself being politely questioned and advice asked. I liked the fact that people found me approachable, and I loved being able to share my experience. I was certainly no expert, I couldn’t always give evidence-based advice, but I could tell you what worked for me. I could sit quietly next to you with a cup of tea, I could listen to you and if I didn’t know about something, I found out about it afterwards. I asked for advice myself and sought out people who were in a better place to know the answers I didn’t. It was when doing this that someone said ‘you should be a doula’.
The seed was sown, I went to an information evening held by a local doula course provider and in my head I was committed to doing it. As with so many things though, it ended up taking a back seat for a while. My life didn’t allow for it at that moment, things were about to significantly change for us as a family, and a move to rural Wales ensued.
This move threw me off balance completely. I was in a new place again, further than I’d ever been from my own support networks and incredibly lonely. I focused on settling my children at a new school, went to new toddler groups, helped with everything at school that I could, but I definitely didn
’t find what I needed for a long time. Meeting up with old friends around Christmas, one of my husband’s friends gently asked if I was depressed. That question gave me such a shock and I realised I need to change something quickly. I needed a focus for myself and I needed to be doing what I loved too. I missed my ‘tribe’, I missed being part of a self curated circle of women and I desperately missed having a supportive role within a community. When I got home I booked on to my chosen doula training course. It wasn’t until May, but at least it was a focus, something to look forward to. I started researching more, looking up books and reading around birth subjects that interested me.
I also started attending a new yoga-based toddler group, and met some inspiring women. If I could have hand-picked friends and dropped them in a room, this is what I would have chosen. It was a lifeline to me, somewhere I could still breastfeed my 3 year old (and not be the only one), I could be myself, I felt encouraged, welcome and at home. The group leader was also a doula, I was in heaven.
By the time I went away to do my doula training in May that year I felt like a different woman. There had been some big changes in my life in the 5 months since Christmas. As a family we had had to deal with life-threatening illness, but because of that I now knew what it felt like to be supported. I knew the value of someone preparing me food when I was my own last priority; having someone on the end of a phone line when needed and the importance of having someone to care for me, when I was in a haze of caring for others. I had been well and truly ‘doula’d’ myself. I went into my training, knowing that I could immerse myself for 5 full days of training and that I would come out the other end in a perfect position to support others.
It took a while to get there, but I now felt like the doula I had actually always been.
Claire Davies – Providing doula services in Cornwall and the Devon borders.